fare thee well, mamma nyddah

monday february 6th nyddah said goodbye to this world and made her journey across the rainbow bridge.

it's been nearly a week and i still can't think that or say that without tears. as i type they roll from my eyes and cut salty streaks down my cheeks. it's taken me this long to be able to write this blog.

it's not that it came as a surprise to me. it didn't in anyway. i've known for a long time that each day i have with her is a blessing and it was only a matter of time before she and i would part ways in this world. recently i wrote about her in having a special needs ferret. that post was difficult to write when i listed out her medical problems because it made it all the more real that she really was not immortal.

no matter how much you think you've emotionally prepared yourself for the loss of a pet, you never really are fully ready to let them go. but, as a pet parent is the most important decision you will make. it is also the decision that is the most compassionate for your companion.

there was no great trauma or tragedy. it was just nyddah's time. monday night i was sitting in the living room loading songs onto my computer and nyddah walked over to me, crawled up on my slippers and looked up at me. i picked her up to cuddle her and she started shivering. her tiny body shaking so hard. i held her close and she still shook. i folded her into my fleece jacket and pressed her to my body, kissing the top of her head. she stopped shivering, looked up at me, and in her eyes i saw that she was asking to go home.

i knew it was time to say goodbye just as sure as i knew she was meant to come home with me when i held her for the first time at the humane society. just like i saw her eyes begging me to bring her home with me that august afternoon i saw her asking me to let her go. i kissed her again and held her against my heart.

when fry came home a bit later she was tucked back in napping with her siblings. he told me that the day before when i was at work she threw up for nearly twenty minutes straight and he thought we needed to think about putting her to sleep. he said he couldn't bear to tell me the night before, but that he couldn't keep it from me. immediately i broke down. nyddah had been fighting for so long and now she needed us to step in and help her leave with dignity.

i sent a text message to my vet nicole asking her if she would be in clinic the next day because it was time to let nyddah go. she called me back and i told her about holding nyddah. the look in her eyes. fry's experience from the day before. nicole said she was in clinic, but that she could come up that night if i'd prefer.

it was a tough decision. i wanted one last night with nyddah. i wanted to sleep knowing my sweet girl was in the next room. i wanted to kiss her and cuddle her and tell her over and over that i loved her and wished there was more i could do. i wanted to stop time and stay holding her until the pain was a dull throb instead of a searing stab. but i also knew that was the selfish route. i asked nicole to come up to my house.

i gave nyddah some of her favorite food. and waited. and second guessed myself. and waited. and watched her. and wished i'd taken more pictures. and wished she had gotten to go on more walks and had more outdoor playtime. and waited. anything to avoid imagining my life without her in it.

while nicole gave nyddah the injection i held a dish of duk soup for her. she went quick. so quick that it was like her body was so tired of fighting. she was ready to go. i cried. nicole cried. all the ferrets came up to sniff nyddah's body and, in their own fuzzy way, say good bye. except for bandit who slept through the entire thing, which is, kind of bandit's way (i swear that ferret sleeps 23 1/2 hours a day,but that's a story for another time). sundance was the most impacted. he sniffed nyddah and then lay down next to her facing me, he put his head on his paws, and just looked at me. he and nyddah had bonded the moment i brought her home. they were BFFs. {pictured at left is nyddah on the left with cupcake, right, taken this past summer}

since nyddah passed away i have noticed some differences in the rest of the crew. doodle has started biting me again. he used to bite when i first got him. i managed to get him to stop doing that, then he started again after podo died last year. he just stopped around thanksgiving. he doesn't break the skin, but he knows how to bite hard enough to bruise me. it's like he needs to let me know he's hurting and the only way he can do that is by hurting me. sundance is sad and wants more cuddles than normal. the rest are just slightly muted.

each of my ferrets has a theme song. the song that if their life was a movie it would be their theme. nyddah's is hey hey hey by michael franti and spearhead. the part that makes me think of nyddah is:

• "there’s a crack in the gutter where a flower grows / reminding me that everything is possible / yeah, reminding me that nothing is impossible / you gotta live for the one that you love you know / you gotta love for the life that you live you know"

every time i looked at her she filled me with love and hope and belief that i could do anything. her little face made me believe. made me fight. made me want to be as wonderful as she thought i was.

all my ferrets are special to me. even the ones that were "originally" fry's before we moved in together. but there was something so precious and extraordinary about nyddah. she was an exceptional soul in a fragile furry body. i know that the universe sent her to me because we needed each other. and i know that i was, correction, i am blessed to have shared my home, my life, and my heart with her. i still feel her presence in the house. and i keep expecting to see her scramble out from under the ottoman, use the potty, and the look up at me to see if she can get me to get her some wysong or ferretone or duk soup. it seems bizarre to say, and i realize this, but the house feels kind of lonely and empty now that nyddah has crossed the rainbow bridge. but, i won't be getting another ferret anytime soon. like nicole said to me the other day. it hurts when any of your furkids move on, but there are just certain ones that are remarkable and it hurts worse when they leave.